I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
