Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
