Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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