Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
