My Higher Power is John Stamos
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
i am craving dick and cupcakes
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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