That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
