My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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