God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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