you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
