Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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