So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I love having hate sex.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
