What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
