come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
