Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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