mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
