i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
