He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
