the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
