i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
