My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
