His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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