so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
