We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
