I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
