I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
