dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
