she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
