So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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