This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
