Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
