i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
