how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
