somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You pole danced in your parka.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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