I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
