I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
