I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
