Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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