Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
