I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Randomize
