I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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