Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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