cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
