I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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