when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
