Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
