I faked an abortion last night.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
