6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
did you just send me my own nude
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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