Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
