dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
