all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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