Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
