Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
